There Was No Point.

My RGB MIDI Keyboard - A Purchase I made to "make more music quicker" but which I sparingly use🙄.

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If you're anything like me, then you probably have a section of your YouTube feed dedicated to the fall of society and, tangentially, the death of art as we know it. I could blabber endlessly about the state of our music industry, and how pointless it feels to create and share anything these days, but I don't think I have anything to say about these things that others have not already spoken about. Instead, I want to understand why this affects me personally, and find a way to make my art mean something again. I'm hoping this write-up puts me in the right direction. It's going to feel everywhere, but, I will tie things together in the end. I promise.

If I were to identify one thing that my life right now is missing, I'd probably say that I don't have as many close friends or relationships as I used to. Because of a variety of reasons, not the least of which are frequent travel and long distances, it has become increasingly challenging to meet new people and make those relationships stick. There's always the threat of shifting somewhere new because of a job or career change, which means I don't really get to spend that much time with new people I meet, let alone the people I already know. But, there's also this weird disconnect I feel meeting a lot of people that I can't quite put my finger to, almost like the versions of them that I meet are facades hiding some darker truth (and trust issues). I'm not sure, but few seem to reciprocate my interest, and fewer seem to be in the headspace to invest time.

Having relationships like these for the bulk of my 25 living years has made me a people pleaser, and someone starved of social connection. The details of this are not relevant here, but in assimilating them I have finally come to the realisation that producing music has been my way of impressing people, and getting them to notice me - to think I'm worth being around. I know this now because my only motivation to create these days is to share it with my friends, and I've noticed that no matter what they say, I can never believe that I've done enough - that they're impressed enough. Whatever led to this perfectionism has replaced my ability to seek genuine connection, wasting more than a decade of my life. I wish I could go back and start again from scratch, this time focusing on making cool stuff rather than proving myself to others.

If art is connection, then music is just the medium. This, then, means that, basically my whole life, I've been making music to find a good time rather than making it to have a good time, if that makes sense. I kid you not, I have invested tens of thousands (above my time that is) into gear, software, tutorials, jam spaces, and more all to realise that I mostly use all of it when I want validation. The reward for success is almost like that first hit of nicotine from a cigarette after a stressful day - it sucks you in and leaves you only wanting more. To be clear, I think art should be shared, but I don't know if I can truly create with authenticity anymore when I'm so desperate for someone to hear me, and feel what I feel the same way I feel it - good and bad. And so, I will continue to chase highs and (im)patiently hope that at least one person will like what I've done as much as I do.

This begs the question - what is the point of making art? I can't magically fix my dwindling social life, nor can I magically alleviate the exhaustion I feel when doing anything without a rush of dopamine or adrenaline. I've pondered over this for years now, and I think the only viable solution is to accept my situation and force myself to seek fulfilment from within (minus the spiritual bs). No more expectations, no more dependencies - just me, my art and I. This isn't to say that I won't share my work, or collaborate for that matter. I just think I need to, somehow, disappear for a while and make as much as I possibly can, documenting it somewhere, and ultimately sharing it with the hope - not expectation - that someone somewhere will like it. Doing this will probably make me feel worse in the short run, but maybe - just maybe - it'll help me find happiness once again in the making of my art...

"Get Up and Fight! I can't do this thing without you. I'm lost in this without you."

~ [Muse, 2018]

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